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The road to Homeostasis

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The road to Homeostasis

Got homeostasis? Well, if you don’t, you might want to consider getting a transfusion quick. Why? Because if you’re homeostasis-less, then you are stressed! And stress is a huge contributing factor to most leading causes of death! Except death-by-laughing, which can happen, you know. Anyway, studies show stress as the culprit behind 90% of all doctor visits. The other 10% are hypochondriacs.

Now that you’re informed, how do you plan on achieving what scientists everywhere call homeostasis? Yes, that life sustaining mental, physiological and emotional balance. Or, as Webster would say, the tendency of a physiological system (in this example, human beings) to maintain internal stability… Do you have internal stability? No, I’m not referring to your Hanes looking good on you, stop being so superficial. This is important sh…um…stuff!

Anything can cause stress. Rising gas prices, toothpaste tubes squeezed in the middle, cell phone drivers, young and talented office-newbies getting a promotion, not enough green M&M’s, your daughter’s shotgun wedding or dust bunnies on steroids. Shoot, I’m solar powered…cloudy days stress me out. Be that as it may, when we get stressed, our adrenaline starts to pump, muscles tense and the old ticker starts to blow off steam by increasing our blood pressure. Gee, sounds a lot like sex. Hmmm…is sex stressful? I know lack of nookie is extremely stressful.

At any rate, if your stress level is over the top, you may be overdosing on cortisol, the adrenal hormone. And that can spell trouble for you in major ways. Remember, more isn’t always better, especially when talking stress. So, get proactive about the road to homeostasis and potentially add years to your life. Unless, you don’t want to live longer…it’s up to you.

Hey, relax. Don’t let this stress you out. Just remember, some real serious illnesses are related to chronic stress, including cancer and diabetes. And you already know the ill effects of stress on your heart. Some believe it even causes erectile dysfunction. But in case you’re wondering, a team of well developed female scientists are currently performing field studies in that area. Results are expected within the next nine months, give or take. Stress, however, even causes…um…oh shoot, I keep forgetting. Oh yeah, memory problems! Well dickens, at least I only forget the important stuff. It’s…ah…less stressful that way.

So, how do we relieve all this stress? No, you can’t shoot the boss; however, you can throw darts at an 8 x 10 glossy taped to the back of your office door…only if it will make you feel better, otherwise, you’ll just end up with holes in the door. But, since all of us don’t have that luxury, let’s discuss other coping mechanisms.

First, find your ‘happy place.’ Remember the place you go to get away from the world…like the recliner. Now, just sit quietly and repeat a word or short phrase. My phrase is: Captain Jack Sparrow. But choose one that works for you. Do this for five to ten minutes once a day.

Secondly, get some exercise. I find taking the batteries out of the TV remote works really well. Yeppers, forcing your self to get up and walk six feet across the room to the TV to manually change the channel is exercise. And on a good night, you could easily make eight to ten trips. At twelve-feet a round trip, that’s almost 150 feet. Wowzer, thighs-of-steel could be yours!

Also, the experts suggest love for a stress relief. May I suggest buying a pet rock or a gold fish and loving it? Both are easier to replace should things get too stressful. But our experts strongly recommend relaxing with family or friends. Writing notes or texting are not options. If you don’t have family or friends, try borrowing some. Remember the road to homeostasis is paved with happy, physically fit, extroverts!

Can you imagine…if there’s a fork in the road?

Wacky Web Wanna-bees

It’s true…I love comedy just as much as the next person. But come on…some folks simply have too much time on their hands. We can only surmise that they don’t have a spouse, kids, a pet rock, or any material possessions to keep themselves entertained. Either that; or they’re unemployed comedy writers in need of a cheap thrill. However they are currently living on this planet and I’ve come to appreciate their off-beat humor and occasionally profound thinking.

Again, let me preface this by saying, I did not make this stuff up. Got it in an email from a friend who knows I appreciate a good belly laugh. But I’ll just add a few comments here and there for

clarity and when the need arises…hilarity.

Disclaimer out of the way, let’s begin this quest for the ultimate in web wackiness with: If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? At first glance this appears to be a very negative and/or derogatory question. However, if we allow ourselves to dig deep, really deep…down to the very depths where insight and wisdom reside…it’s actually a very profound statement. The shoplifting charge may even hold up in court.

Speaking of going to court…How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Went straight to Webster on this one…ASSASSINATE is: to murder treacherously. Meanwhile MURDER is: the unlawful killing of a human being… AH-HA! You see, a person doesn’t have to be important at all. So if you want to be assassinated instead of just plain old murdered, go right ahead. This is America, anything is possible!

Here’s one for the ordained, semi-ordained or think they’re ordained who walk among us. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Oh for heaven’s sake…we’ll all be naked, everyone knows that!! Next question please. Gosh, have you ever wondered…What disease did cured ham actually have? Pig-i-tis! Any questions?

The person who came up with this next one really did some research…I think. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Yeah, or flashlights in screwdrivers, or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in Ice Cream, or warming sensations in body lotions, or...well, never mind.

Why do people go all the way up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Have you done this? Oh come on, you can tell me. Okay then just nod. I thought so. Well, was it worth it? And when you got back on the ground did you look up to see where you just were? Gosh, you really are strange. Um, let’s move along.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Hey, WHY IS bra singular and panties plural? I mean, there are two for one and one for the other. Okay, this is getting too scientific…even for me. I’ve also wondered, as I’m sure you have…why we say ‘a pair of pants’ when it’s only one…um…pair. Seriously, socks are a pair but pants are just one. Oh, forget it. It never made sense and never will.

Say, Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? As morbid as this question is, it’s actually a good question. However, a better question might be…why do we call it a ‘carpool’ lane when it’s on dry land? I’m stumped. Annnyway, If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Okay idiot, we’ve all seen the cartoons. There wasn’t a Mickey D’s on any corner! Anywhere! Wowzer, I can’t believe I had to explain it!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Gross, and just another futile attempt by a feeble mind to be funny. Not funny feebie. And finally, If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? No, morons come from the same gene pool as the person who thought of that stupid question.

Can you imagine…if everybody had a life?

What’s in a snack?

About 100 calories...if, you buy into the latest wave of consumer marketing strategies! So, what does 100 calories look like? Like two double stuff Oreo cookies, give or take a dunk in milk. With the latest controlled portion craze (CPC), it occurred to me that counting calories was a big deal at one time. Then it morphed into, “not calories…count carbs.”

Suddenly, the onset of ‘good’ carbs vs. ‘bad’ carbs struck, leaving us even more confused. Then the dreaded “don’t eat anything white” (white sugar, white potatoes, white tic-tacs, etc.) phrase started appearing in all fad diet books. And lets not forget the glucose revolution…when we were expected to determine the glycemic index of food by taking the total carbohydrate count and determining our BMI, multiplied by how many sit ups we can do in five minutes, then subtracting our weight in eight grade, further dividing by how many… Oh, never mind. The point I’m making is, it appears counting calories is back!

So to answer: what does 100 calories look like? Well, you’ll be happy to know I’ve done the research for you and found the best 100 calorie snacks on the market (according to Good Housekeeping). In no particular order…okay, comfort food first. Breyers has a 100 calorie cup of ice cream, complete with fiber and calcium. Now, I don’t know about you, but ice cream should NOT have fiber. It’s unethical. Seriously, those who indulge in comfort foods are not thinking fiber. Sort of takes the fun out of snacking, doesn’t it?

That being said, Sun Chips has a 100 calorie pack, with fiber…Yopliat has a 100 calorie smoothie, with fiber…geesh, even Fudgsicle has a 100 calorie fudgie with fiber. Well, so much for comfort foods.

Speaking of calories…I read an article in which it was discovered that calories DON’T ALWAYS COUNT.Amazing, I know. But the women interviewed stressed that calories were reduced to zero during lunch with friends, holiday parties (including weddings, special events and all charity functions), while on vacation, or any time deemed appropriate to eliminate the caloric content of any and all food passing the lips of said ‘calorie conscious’ individuals. (Bye-bye marketing strategy.)

Of course, companies endorse confusing consumers by adding ‘fiber’ to snacks because fiber is supposed to be filling. But have you seen inside those 100 calorie snack packs? It’s like two (insert favorite snack here) and a few crumbs…not enough to excite the most ravenous mouse. Even a child would be hard to satisfy. And they expect adults to eat and feel full. Of course, we’d feel full after say…six portion controlled packs of cookies. Let’s see, technically, IF the calories counted…that would be 600 calories. But since we just received an invitation to our best friend’s wedding, and are currently making plans to attend…calories don’t count! Yippee! (ANYTHING related to a special event counts…um…doesn’t count, I mean.)

May I suggest, however, if you’re supervising your caloric intake, eat ‘whole foods’ as a first choice? By that I mean, eat the apple, not the apple sauce. Exactly why, when I order a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard, I ask them to barely stir it so the cookie dough chunks stay whole! Yummy!!! (Okay, bad example.)

Hey, you can find veggie snacks in 100 calorie packages too. Some even come with a tiny droplet of dip for added flavor. And if you’re really hungry eat five cups of vegetables. That ought to fill you up and is roughly only 100 calories.

Can you imagine…a 100 calorie double cheeseburger with bacon, extra cheese and…hmmmm

What's in a snack?

Due to popular demand this story will hang around for awhile.

You've been warned

PDA's

PDA’s

Do PDA’s bother you? They bother some people. In fact, certain individuals get all bent out of

shape anytime they catch even the slightest glimpse of a PDA in progress. Personally, as long as

nobody’s naked I don’t see a problem with Public Displays of Affection. What? Did you think I was talking about a hand-held Personal Digital Assistant? Dickens, you know I’m not a techno-wiz kind of gal.

Anyway, in my experience (as an observer) I have noted many different forms of Public Displays of Affection; and since humans are sensory beings we have an innate desire to touch and be touched. Of course, then there’s always out-and-out groping…which seems to appeal to some…especially if you’re under the age of thirty. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some readily identifiable PDA’s.

OH THOSE CHEEKS is Grandma’s favorite way to embarrass us in public. She means well, but after the age of puberty it might be a good time to sit Grandma down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Just remember she loves you, so when you say, “Hey, knock it off granny!” Always say, “please.”

MAIN SQUEEZE hugs are a low-key PDA. (Oh boy, I’m a hugger!) Hugging in the form of a greeting is commonplace and not typically considered offensive to anyone. Let’s see, there’s the ‘goodbye’ hug, which often lasts longer and feels firmer than its counterpart the ‘hello’ hug. Unless it’s been a while since you’ve hugged that particular person, then either hug can take on a life of its own. Gosh, relatives and close friends don’t even think twice about giving BIG BEAR kinda hugs…it just seems natural. And same sex folks can, and often do, give brief hugs without judgment by onlookers. Just remember, be quick and don’t be a cling-on. (Or, any other Star Wars character for that matter.)

HAND ‘N HAND is probably the most socially accepted PDA maneuver on the planet. It says, “Hey, I like you, we just don’t HAVE to show the rest of the world how much.” People in relationships make the most of this soft-sided intimacy as a way to feel connected together, yet understated. Hand-holders know exactly what is going on in the relationship, while everyone else is left wondering, gossiping and basically starting nasty rumors like the one about Mary seen yesterday holding Tom’s hand while everyone KNOWS she’s been dating Jim since he sent her a rose during Big Bubba’s Bar-B-Que, held every Memorial Day weekend and…well, never mind…it’s only a rumor.

HUNT ‘N PECK takes public affection up a notch. Participants aren’t afraid to steal a quick smooch and freely lip smack as the need arises. This stage of PDA can be very subtle because the kisses are generally short, sweet and to the point. Typically, when the urge strikes, the pecker HUNTS for a place to plant a PECK…such as the lips, forehead, bare shoulders or any other exposed body part. And, of course, the peckee is the delighted recipient. (I’m partial to either role myself.)

TONGUE ‘N CHEEK is a style often preferred by the younger generation, anyone over the legal alcohol limit, or on Viagra. This technique is easily identified as French kissing on one end and lots ‘n lots of frisking of the derriere, by both parties, on the other end. Participants behave as if they haven’t seen each other in a millennium with tongues slobbering and hands squeezing each other’s posterior cheeks in a frenzied burst of enthusiasm. Most observers of Tongue & Cheek method look on secretly wishing they HAD that enthusiasm.

MY PLACE OR YOURS is undoubtedly the most extreme case of PDA known to Homo sapiens. Without sounding risqué, this form of public affection knows no boundaries. Reports stating several incidents of couples being arrested for this particular approach are common. My Place or Yours PDA’s come with an X-rated label and are best preformed at my place or yours. I mean…um…in the privacy of your own home, car, elevator or other self contained space out of view of the public eye. Of course, there’s always a rebel in the crowd who doesn’t care if they lick, grope, kiss or nibble any available body part on another person in

public. In extreme cases, the participants are often asked to “get a room.” To these folks I say…gee, is it

me, or is it getting warm in here?

Can you imagine…if Grandma ever stops pinching your cheek?

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You’ve been warned

Have you read the warning labels or instructions on any consumer products lately? Yeah, well, me neither. I have, however, heard rumors to the effect that there are some very outlandish and downright ridiculous warnings presented to safeguard consumers from pain and suffering. Even death! Honestly, I couldn’t agree more with some of these warning labels. In fact, several should be ingrained in our memory banks for all eternity; or at least until they come up with the next brainless, yet somehow profound (in a ‘DUH-UH!’ sort of way) warning.

You have to admire the thought processes behind the warnings on children’s medication. If you’re ever in a funk and want to cheer up, visit the local health product department of any store and start reading labels. Seriously, the last time I checked, and Webster concurs, an infant was a very, very, very small child…yet unable to walk. However, the warning label on a brand of infant drops states: …MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS…DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY. I wonder…does a baby rattle qualify as heavy machinery? And a particular brand of children’s cough drops carries a similar warning. In other words, next to drunk drivers and cell phone users, medicated children are fast becoming a traffic hazard!

Here’s one that only makes sense to…well, I have no idea to whom. Nytol Sleep Aid’s warning label says: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Okay, back up. Let’s think about this for a minute. I mean, we’re all adults here and most of us are conscious. Hence, if we desire to fall asleep we would take this product. However, if we weren’t sure if we wanted to sleep or watch a 12 hour Twilight Zone marathon while practicing Tai Chi, we would have to seriously reconsider our options. Can we say DUH-UH?!

Does anyone own the iron that carries a warning label telling you NOT TO IRON CLOTHES ON YOUR BODY? Personally, I have to admit, I have done this before. Of course, as long as the clothing is loose enough to place the wrinkled section on the ironing board while you’re still wearing it, I don’t see a problem. So I guess what they’re really trying to say is…don’t press a hot iron anywhere on your body.

In that case, I’d have to agree with the logic.

And on the BOTTOM of a fruit juice carton…KEEP UPRIGHT! Hey, can’t say they didn’t warn us. Goodness, it’s been forever since I’ve had a slush puppy, but it’s good to know that the cup warns us all…THE ICE MAY BE COLD. Of course, after the hot coffee incident involving Mickey D’s I can only conclude that the slushy folks aren’t taking any chances.

Hey, how many techies do we have? Okay, then answer me this…if a PC flashes a message saying: NO KEYBOARD DETECTED, PRESS F1 TO CONTINUE. What the dickens are we supposed to do? I mean, come on…if my keyboard suddenly decides to go out for a cappuccino how am I going to PRESS F1? Can we say DUH-UH, DUH-UH, DUH-UH? Geesh, what idiot thought of that error message…never mind, let’s move along before we lose IQ points.

I must say things aren’t much better in Europe. A camera over there offers this bit of advice: THIS CAMERA WILL ONLY WORK WITH FILM INSIDE. Good to know! Shoot, I’d be worried if it worked with tin foil inside. Or say, empty gum wrappers…however, things could really develop if it worked with a miniature hamster wheel and baby hamster inside. Can we say Flintstones?

This next one is entertaining. Instructions on a package of roasted nuts: STEP 1: OPEN PACKAGE, STEP 2: EAT NUTS. They only say it because they care and worry that we are complete nincompoops, incapable of eating a package of nuts. Thank goodness we can read! Speaking of nuts, rumor has it that the Hershey’s Almond Bar states…MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS. But…but…we like nuts; that’s why we buy the ALMOND bar. Gee, tough crowd.

My personal favorite has to be the warning on (can’t mention the name) a life saving device. It states: WARNING: NOT A LIFE SAVING DEVICE! If poor Mr. Fuddmuffin had only known BEFORE he threw it to his wife, a life might have been saved. Get real and say, DUH-UH!!!

Can you imagine…consumers becoming more product label savvy?